Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Twenty Things I Learned About Being Stuck in a Hospital Bed

1. Any motion picture that has been "Edited for Television" is missing most of the scenes that explain the plot.
2. A dropped ball of yarn will roll directly UNDER the hospital bed completely out of reach of my extendable "grabber" only when my boys and husband are out of the house.
3. The phone will only ring if I’ve fallen asleep.
4. It will be a wrong number.
5. It is not a good idea to try to turn a heel after taking Vicodin unless experimenting with yarn sculpture was the actual end goal.
6. No television commercial which sells perfume makes sense.
7. Jeffrey Goldblum utters the phrase "Must go faster, must go faster" in the movie, Jurassic Park in the scene where the tyrannosaur is chasing the jeep. He says the same thing in Independence Day when the aliens are chasing him and Will Smith through the alien spaceship after they launch the bomb.
8. Four dogs cannot physically occupy the same place of honor on a hospital bed – although they will try.
9. It is quicker to have a 12 year old reset the "Tivo" unit than trying to read and understand the Instruction Manual.
10. If you ask your husband or son to retrieve a set of double pointed needles from the other bedroom, they will bring three needles of one size and two of another size, then look utterly mystified when you tell them they brought two sizes, while arguing that all the needles are the same length.
11. ALWAYS inspect the laundry basket BEFORE the load is washed when your sons offer to "do the laundry for you".
12. The more annoying the television ad is, the more likely it will air over and over and over again throughout the weekend. A funny or cute commercial is seen once.
13. A walker is not a suitable substitute for a swift when winding balls of yarn from skeins.
14. The instruction "drink plenty of fluids" is in direct opposition to the instruction "limit the number of times in and out of bed during the first three days after discharge".
15. Husbands get cranky when you wake them up a 2:00 a.m. for a glass of water, then again at 3:00 a.m. to help you to the bathroom.
16. Hospital tape is designed to stick to everything EXCEPT the bandage it is holding is place.
17. It is quicker to have a 12 year old turn off the Spanish subtitles you accidentally turned on than trying to read and understand the Instruction Manual.
18. Boys are not amused when you tell them that the skein of yarn they brought you after spending thirty minutes searching through your stash is the wrong dye lot.
19. "Tastes just like homemade" really doesn’t.
20. Sponge baths are no substitute for the real thing.