Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Twenty Things I Learned About Being Stuck in a Hospital Bed

1. Any motion picture that has been "Edited for Television" is missing most of the scenes that explain the plot.
2. A dropped ball of yarn will roll directly UNDER the hospital bed completely out of reach of my extendable "grabber" only when my boys and husband are out of the house.
3. The phone will only ring if I’ve fallen asleep.
4. It will be a wrong number.
5. It is not a good idea to try to turn a heel after taking Vicodin unless experimenting with yarn sculpture was the actual end goal.
6. No television commercial which sells perfume makes sense.
7. Jeffrey Goldblum utters the phrase "Must go faster, must go faster" in the movie, Jurassic Park in the scene where the tyrannosaur is chasing the jeep. He says the same thing in Independence Day when the aliens are chasing him and Will Smith through the alien spaceship after they launch the bomb.
8. Four dogs cannot physically occupy the same place of honor on a hospital bed – although they will try.
9. It is quicker to have a 12 year old reset the "Tivo" unit than trying to read and understand the Instruction Manual.
10. If you ask your husband or son to retrieve a set of double pointed needles from the other bedroom, they will bring three needles of one size and two of another size, then look utterly mystified when you tell them they brought two sizes, while arguing that all the needles are the same length.
11. ALWAYS inspect the laundry basket BEFORE the load is washed when your sons offer to "do the laundry for you".
12. The more annoying the television ad is, the more likely it will air over and over and over again throughout the weekend. A funny or cute commercial is seen once.
13. A walker is not a suitable substitute for a swift when winding balls of yarn from skeins.
14. The instruction "drink plenty of fluids" is in direct opposition to the instruction "limit the number of times in and out of bed during the first three days after discharge".
15. Husbands get cranky when you wake them up a 2:00 a.m. for a glass of water, then again at 3:00 a.m. to help you to the bathroom.
16. Hospital tape is designed to stick to everything EXCEPT the bandage it is holding is place.
17. It is quicker to have a 12 year old turn off the Spanish subtitles you accidentally turned on than trying to read and understand the Instruction Manual.
18. Boys are not amused when you tell them that the skein of yarn they brought you after spending thirty minutes searching through your stash is the wrong dye lot.
19. "Tastes just like homemade" really doesn’t.
20. Sponge baths are no substitute for the real thing.

10 comments:

sophanne said...

Oh Kathleen- your post makes me want to write something funny so you'll have a moments distraction!

Mokihana said...

Sad and funny all at the same time! Oh my goodness!

QuiltingFitzy said...

I tell you that you're darned funny, but it might make you laugh. Does laughing make you hurt?

Please feel better soon.

Suzanne said...

Those are great!!! I am glad you're back to blogging! I've missed you!

Tina T-P said...

Oh, Kathleen, I've missed you too! One always wonders when a blogger suddenly seemingly falls off the face of the earth - where'd they go?

I'm so sorry to read about your dear Dallas - We lost our 13 year old cat, Neelix this summer. It is so hard to loose a pal like that, and you not being able to take care of him. So sad.

Well, I'm glad to see you back to blogging - I hope your recuperation from your hip surgery goes swiftly - (I feel your pain on that one too - having had one of my knees replaced...and need the other)

Take care - looking forward to seeing more of your Great North American Afghan blocks! T.

Sharon said...

Hi Kathleen, I'm so glad you came back to blogland! My thoughts are with you about the loss of your friend. Wishing you a speedy recovery, and may 2009 be a great year for all of us!

5elementknitr said...

#18 is my favorite!

I'll be in town Oct 11-14, can I bring you some ice cream?

Or some tea and a bed pan?

email me!
Ruth AT 5elementknitr Dot com

Life's a Stitch said...

Are you feeling better?

Tina T-P said...

Hi Kathleen, how is your recovery coming along? Hope you are doing OK. T.

zquilts said...

Kathleen:
I'd noticed that there had been no new posts from you in a long time - and just figured that it was "life". This morning I went and read these old posts. I can't find the right words to explain how sorry i am for these awful times you have had.

I will add my prayers for you an your family - and hope that at some time I will see a new post pop up from you - or not. Either way I send blessings your way.